I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
