I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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