i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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