Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
