3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize