I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
