he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
