i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
