I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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