In America we eat man semen.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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