I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
