so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
