Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
