you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
