I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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