Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
