im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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