hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
