I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
