I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This is my life. Enjoy the view
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
