I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
