Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
