Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
