I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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