my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
