I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
