all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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