A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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