well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
