He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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