So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
nutella sex= disaster
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
