I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Who died my cat blue again?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
