im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
