Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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