remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
