can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
