my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
