We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
