the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
