Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
