I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So vagazzling was a success
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
