Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
