Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I would fuck him just for his dog
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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