I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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