I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
