It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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