I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize