Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
