he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
