so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize
